Why Your Dog Thinks You’re Rubbish at Walkies

by

A Cheeky Investigation

Most dogs love you unconditionally.
But if they could mark your walkies’ performance on a school report, many would circle “must try harder” with a very judgmental paw.

Good news: with a few tweaks, you can go from “oh dear” to “walkies legend”.

Let’s begin.

1. Master the Pre-Walk Ritual

Dogs warm up like elite sports stars. You, meanwhile, are trying to locate clean socks and the lead you definitely left on the table.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Create a walkies station near the door with leads, poo bags, treats, long lines, towels and spare tennis balls.
  • Teach a ‘ready’ cue (e.g. “let’s go”) to reduce the zoomy chaos before leaving the house.
  • Add a two-minute calm sniff in the garden/front step before the walk starts. This reduces pulling by letting them decompress.

Pickles’ Aside: I’d like my own peg for the lead. Just saying.

2. Fix Your Tragically Weak Throwing Skills

Let’s be honest. Many humans throw a ball like they’re trying not to wake the baby.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Use a ball launcher if your throwing radius is roughly equivalent to an elderly pigeon’s wingspan.
  • Swap from fetch to scent games for high-energy dogs. Hide treats or a toy while they sit and actually use their brain.
  • Rotate toys to avoid the “this again?” stare.

3. Respect the Sniffing Schedule

Dogs don’t sniff for fun. They sniff because their inbox is overflowing with scent-based newsletters.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Adopt the Sniffari Rule: for the first 10 minutes, go wherever your dog’s nose takes them.
  • Choose one walk per day that is not destination-driven but exploration-focused.
  • Use a long line in safe areas to give them room to conduct their investigations.

Pickles’ Aside: If you rushed my sniffing, I’d rush your supermarket browsing. See how you like it.

4. Sort Out Your Pacing

Your dog wants clarity, not your current “erratic shopping trolley” style of movement.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Decide: today is an exercise walk, a training walk, or a sniffy walk — and walk accordingly.
  • If pulling is an issue, teach a “change direction” cue paired with a tasty reward.
  • For high-energy dogs, begin with a 2-minute jog or quick power walk to take the edge off before expecting good manners.

5. Stop Leaving Safety Decisions to Your Dog

Many dogs are convinced they’re the only ones checking for cars.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Teach “wait” at kerbs and practise it everywhere, not just near roads.
  • Use a two-metre lead in built-up areas to prevent sudden lunges.
  • For reactive dogs, learn simple u-turn manoeuvres to create distance from triggers.

Pickles’ Aside: You’d walk into a lamppost if I didn’t guide the ship.

6. Nail the Post-Walk Clean-Up

Most dogs return home blissfully muddy. You return home contemplating burning the carpet.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Keep a mud towel, water spray, and paw wash by the door.
  • Use a plastic tray with warm water for post-walk paw dips.
  • Teach a “towel up” cue so your dog presents themselves for drying instead of zooming off like a damp hooligan.

7. Add Enrichment So Walkies Actually Tire Them Out

Tired body + tired brain = the good kind of dog tired.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Add two mini training sessions during your walk (recall, middle, hand touch, name recognition).
  • Toss a few treats into grass patches for quick scatter feeding.
  • Let them choose one “wild card” turn on the walk to boost confidence and agency.

Pickles’ Aside: Letting me pick the route is character-building, mainly for you.

8. Make Yourself the Most Interesting Thing on the Walk

If you don’t exist during walkies, your dog might decide the local squirrel union is more fun.

Actionable Upgrade:

  • Carry high-value treats for surprise rewards when they check in with you.
  • Play chase me, hide and seek, or catch the treat to make yourself fun again.
  • Praise more. Way more. Think enthusiastic but not completely unhinged.

The Final Verdict

Yes, your dog may think you’re a bit of a shambles on walkies.
But with a little planning, better pacing, more sniffing, and less tragic ball throwing, you can become the human walking companion they always dreamed of.

Pickles’ Aside: Don’t worry, I believe in you. Mostly.